Right way of parenting

 

Is there a right way of parenting?

Yes, there is.

Is there a wrong way of parenting?

Oh yeah. There are many. That is why there are so many parenting problems with children. And one step further, that is why there are so many adults with mental issues. Why do you think there are alcoholics and drug users. Because they have mental issues and this started in their childhood. Because of wrong parenting they are out of balance now and they need products to get a good feeling. All related to parenting.

What will happen if I do parenting the wrong way?

You will get problems for sure. And you and your children will suffer on this.

What kind of problems?

It depends on which wrong parenting you are doing. And how strong your influence is. If you make small mistakes, you will get small problems. If you have no clue what you are doing or you use extreme wrong parenting, you will get huge problems. It is almost guaranteed.

Letting the children do whatever they want, is that the right way?

No. It is very wrong. It looks that way and it is the easy way of parenting, but you will get uncontrollable children for sure. They will be uncontrollable in your house, in shops (probably you have seen them running, screaming, wanting products), at school and in their adult life. Letting the children do whatever they want, is not parenting. It is not doing anything.

So dominating children is the right way of parenting?

Oh no. It is also very wrong. If you do it the hard way, you could succeed in getting control, but you have no idea how much damage for the children you cause. You create slaves who will stay submissive for the rest of their lives. And you could create aggression and fear.

Then what is the right way?

Well, it is somewhere in the middle. Keep reading.

Who is in charge in a family?

The parents, without any doubt. Children cannot be in charge. They are too inexperienced. But it does not have to be the dominant way. It can be a lot better. With dominance you can be in charge, but you will create tension for sure. A really happy family is not possible this way.

What will happen if I parent the wrong way?

You will get problems and tension in your family life for sure. The problems you will get, depends on which wrong form of parenting you use. If you do not control them, children will be screaming, disobeying, fighting, resisting all the time. Bed time will a battle.

See image below as what can happen if you do parenting the wrong way. With the right parenting you prevent being in a situation as below.

If you dominate the hard way, you will squeeze all the children's fun and pleasure out of them. They will become very passive for the rest of their lives.

 

 

Are you saying parenting influences on how an adult will be?

Yes. Parenting creates the foundation for the character of a child and the future adult. The level of happiness is created here. If a child becomes submissive, it will stay in this mode. It will become the default life approach. During the adult life there can be slight changes and major improvements are possible if one tries very hard, but it will not be easy.

If you do not believe it, think about this. If a toddler is trying to walk for the first time, it will fall. It will get up again and it will fall again. It will fall dozens of times and every time it will get up again. This is for every toddler, because everybody is walking now. It will not stay down and think: "I'll stay down. This is too complicated. I give up." This is because there is no doubt about the self esteem yet. Compare this to many adults. Many will give up after a first failure of something new. And many will not even try something new, because there is too much self doubt. Like riding a bike, or learn to swim or playing an instrument. This is because their self esteem is damaged somewhere in their childhood.

Happiness can be maintained with the right parenting. Watch young children. They are all happy. They are not depressed. Watch adults. Where is there happiness? It is gone or limited. And depression is not caused by life's problems, but how one handles problems.

My parents were not very nice to me, but I am feeling good.

Well, the way you are feeling about yourself, is the way you are used to. But I can assure you, there are much higher levels of feeling good. You only haven't experienced them. That is why you think you are at you best. And that is why people need drugs and alcohol. It is for getting to that higher level.

So I can blame my parents?

No. Almost all parents want the best for their children. But because your parents also had no idea how to raise children they copied their parents, etc. They did the best they could most of the time. And do not think you can raise children because you were raised. This is not enough. If you learn things, you improve. This is for soccer, study and parenting.

Why are you so hard on parents?

Parents can make or brake a child. I want to avoid the breaking.

Because of wrong parenting, children are hurt and damaged. I really do not like that. And there is no need for that. If you do parenting a better way, your children will like this and you will like this, because all the tensions will disappear through of the backdoor.

I am not saying the things you want to hear. I am saying the things you have to hear, if you really want the best for your children. If you have control issues, which most parents have, you can only solve this by doing the right things. If you are doing the wrong things, you only make it worse. And please do not blame genes; they have no influence on this at all.

Children are not the problem. Many parents have no or hardly any problems with their children. And this is only because these parents are doing the right things. Children want to be happy and enjoy life. They do not want to cry, fight or being neglected.

Why is there so much wrong parenting?

Because most parents have no idea what the consequences are with a certain approach and because they have never learned how to raise children the right way. Most of the time it is copying the way they were raised or with a slight variation. Or they are going to do the opposite, but then you get the opposite problems. Very often parents have a certain approach and if children stand up to this, parents will try harder. And because of that children will resist harder. And because of that, parents put a lot more pressure on it, etc. It is going in the wrong direction and it is going to a war. But if parents would try a different way, they could get much better results. But most parents have no other way. They use the way how their mom and dad did it. Or the opposite.

So you are saying the parents are the problem. Not the children?

Yes, absolutely. If you are not insulted or hurt too much, keep reading. I am going to open a new world for you. Good parenting is simple, but the results can be huge. For you and your children. Before you start misunderstanding me, I am not blaming anybody. Almost all parents want the best for their children. The thing is, most parents are not realizing what really happens with a certain way of parenting.

Most of the time, children are blamed for the problems. This is the easiest explanation. "Because I have problems with my children, it is because of my children." They blame children for being uncontrollable if they have no control. In other words, if parents allow something, it is the fault of children? If children fight suppression from dominant parents, children are the problem? What would you do if someone wants to dominate you?

Why are children in charge?

There is only one reason for it, it is because you allow it. You cannot blame them. They took the opportunity, because nobody stopped them. Every young born will try to lead. That is a nature thing. And the strongest one will succeed. And this should be the parents.

I feel attacked, but explain.

I have to talk to you, to make you understand. So a few question for you:

Who do you like?

This will be the ones, who are friendly, helpful, who want to listen and with whom you can have fun with. In other words, they respect you. And because of that, you respect him or her. Would you like to disturb this situation by giving a bad attitude. No you won't. You have a good relationship and you want to keep it that way. You even try to improve it. This for friends, family, neighbors, but also for the nice guy in the bookstore.

Who do you not like?

This will be the ones, who do not respect you by laughing at you, cheating on you, ordering you and for instance interrupting you all the time. In other words you feel not respected. And this is correct, they do not respect you. They evoke hurting and maybe aggression. You will go against them, counter attack or avoid them. Remember it is not because of you. It is because of their behavior, you respond and feel that way. It is not what you want. You prefer a nice and friendly communication. Think about this.

Got it, keep going.

Well, it is the same for children. They do not know much, but they have the same feelings as you. They like the same kind of people as you like. They also do not like the kind of people that hurt them.
  • Children also do not like the ones who hurt them.
  • Children also do not like the ones who command them.
  • Children also do not like the ones who laugh at them.
  • Children also do not like the ones who do not listen to them.
But the difference is, you can walk away, choose other friend or stand up for yourself. But children cannot.

 

What is the above image?

This is the intro image of my parenting video course. Udemy choose this image. Udemy is the site where my course is uploaded. But I am very happy with the image they choose. This image says it all. Two happy people who are enjoying each others company. Dad is happy. Daughter is happy. Dad is paying attention to his little girl. Dad is sitting on the floor. Most parents are too reserved for this. But this is how a harmonic family looks like. This is a sign of high level parenting.

In short, what causes problem with children?

Too much control or not enough control. And not respecting children. With too much control, they will fight because nobody, including children, wants to be dominated. With not enough control, children are crossing borders they shouldn't. With not respecting, children start disliking parents. Would you like someone who does not take you seriously?

I can assure you, if you are having problems with your children, you are doing things wrong. Children do not want to cause problems. They want to enjoy life and a good relationship with their parents. If you respect them and do things the right way, they will accept you are in charge. It all depends on how you do it. The right parenting is the foundation for a very happy family. Everything else fails and will cause many problems.

My child is a lot on social media. Is that good?

No. It means it is missing something in the family. If nobody is really listening to a child or it is dominated all the time, it will start to feel being neglected and maybe lonely. Because of that a child starts to use the surrogate social media. There it will find people he or she can talk to and it can get responses. Most of the time these are superficial friends. But better this, then nobody. Addicted to social media, means loneliness. I am not against social media, but it should be limited.

Would you prefer talking to a good friend face to face, or chat with an unknown? Think about this. Would your child prefer talking to you and having fun, or would it prefer typing with someone pretty anonymous? Would you prefer talking or chatting with your partner? If you are playing with your children, I can assure they are not interested in a computer friend. A young child will drop social media immediately if children (and adults) are playing soccer in the backyard. "This is much nicer."

Social media is filling a hole. But that hole shouldn't be there. It is not a good sign if a child is posting their problems on the Internet. Any idea who is the right person for a child's problems?

Believe me, if a child has problems, the parents are the most important persons he or she wants to share it with. But, if parents do not respond the right way, a child stops sharing and could choose for postings. Laughing at his problems, is one of those mistakes. Many parents and not very good at listening to children. Because of that, children start to look for other sources.

What is the video below?

This video is my first video from the parenting course on Udemy. It is also at Udemy, but the preview is small. This is from YouTube in a larger format. So you can get a better impression. More free (small) previews at my Udemy course page.

 

 

So what is the right way of parenting?

In short, it is the respectful way, without loosing control over the children.

How can I learn to do parenting the right way?

Use the info from this page. Maybe it is enough. But if you need more details on how to do this, my online parenting video course will help you.

Do I need your parenting video course?

Probably you do. Good parenting is rare. Do not count too much on what you are used to or think you are perfect. You are working on something very important. Maybe the most important job you have in your life. Too important to experiment.

If you have a very happy family (you know, laughing, having fun, enjoying each other) and you have no problems or only once in a while, you do not need this course. If in doubt, one of my free previews, is giving more detail on if this course is useful for you.

Does the video course help?

Yes it does. It explains what to and what not to do. And, very important, why.

A reply (not a review) from one of my students touched me, because this is what I want to achieve: "Let me tell you, today is the first day I have applied the techniques, and my child started kissing me and she said she was so happy to be with me, and it was her best day ever :)"

A remark on this. I consider my explaining not as techniques. It is how you should treat other people, including children. Listening to others, is not a technique. It is what you should do. The image above is not related to this. But it could be.

What can be the result?

A family life on a much higher level. You have no idea what is possible. Problems are caused by the wrong treatment. The same things that would upset you, will upset others, including children. There is always a reason for problems. They do not pop up out of nowhere. I am explaining you the problems so you can solve them.

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